Sink In or Take Hold – Anonymous

Avatar Olivia Mancini | August 20, 2019 23 Views 0 Likes 0 Ratings

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Right after graduating high school, through about 3 years into college coursework, I slipped into a solitude that became severe depression. It crept in, it was real, it was dark, and it slowly tried to kill me through my own thoughts. It was a silent killer – yet unbeknownst to the 3 or 4 people nearest to me at the time. Deliberately unbeknownst to them, on my part.

Because
Who wants people to be bothered by that? Who wants to be seen through the lens of feeling so broken, pathetic, and in a place so dark? You won’t be seen as someone with an amount of dignity, strength, or the same quality, once they know you experience this. Those are a few fears that came to mind.
Will you no longer be seen as someone people can rely/lean upon? Because you’re “too fragile”, and need to just be left alone? 
Would you be seen as a show: Just acting depressed for attention, when you should be scolded or ignored? These are some of the concerns that I thought about, when deciding whether or not to talk to someone.
The first person that I told after 2 or 3 years of that dark place and silence, was at the other side of the country. But she listened, she did not look down on me for my depression, and God used her to love on me.
Dark feelings and thoughts not being exposed, only permits it all to damage and drain your mind, heart, and soul. The mind, heart, and soul of someone God loves so much. He does not intend that deep darkness to engulf and consume me… you… us.
But the Lord proved His mercy and faithfulness once again, and showed me where I was. He also showed me how I needed my people around me again. How did I become aware of the darkness and solitude that had taken a hold of me? And the Father’s antidote of community? He showed me a visual – I can’t remember the exact time He showed it to me. But I remember I was in bed, at the tail end of one of my crying sessions, after one of my dark mental rabbit trails. Thoughts that were cases against my worth. Likely around 2 in the morning. These thoughts came anywhere, from when I first woke up in the morning, to occasions when I couldn’t fall asleep till after 3 in the morning. At the tail end of the deep, dark train of thought, after crying for a while, the Lord showed me-
A visual that I was sitting in a deep dark pit (one like a water-well that people dig in the middle of a desert). It was dried out, with roots/branches sticking out if the walls. Level and lit up ground was (obviously) up at the place out of the pit. Up at the top, you had to get out of the bottom of the dry well, to get to level ground and light. But my focus in the vision (and laying there in my bed) was that I just didn’t want to be in this dark pit anymore.
And God showed me this,
“You won’t just magically be popped up from this pit of depression. If you really want to not be down here anymore, I’ve given you the roots and branches in the sides of this thing – you have to decide to take hold of them and pull up. When you really want out of here, that is what you will do.”
 
He also showed me if I didn’t do that, the depth of the pit/well… Only went deeper and deeper down. It wouldn’t stay at the same level just because I stayed sitting there. He showed me it would take me lower and lower, if I didn’t go against its direction, and pull up with those roots in the walls of where I was.
At that point He specifically reminded me of fellowship. From 14, up to graduating high school, I had an incredible community of brothers and sisters through a bible study. After graduating, many of them left, and I didn’t retain the same deep, personal faith and sense of community. Reading the scriptures, worshiping, and soaking in His presence, were not so encouraged as they had been when I was with my faith family.
So the Lord showed me
“You need to get out of yourself; You need to be with people.”
Even if I didn’t feel worth their time and energy. Even if I thought of all the “valid” reasons I shouldn’t be there.
“Go. Be with people you need to be with.”
 
And within a short while of that… A woman invited me to a “church potluck” for Feast of Trumpets (or Rosh Hashanah, as she called it when inviting me). There I found my current faith-family. Over the course of the past 4 or 5 years, I’ve found joy and communion with them. I have a place and use my gifts. With them I found level ground, I took hold of the Lord’s roots and branches, and though I still have to climb every once in a while, I’m not at the bottom of the dark place anymore. I’m somewhere on the way up. Only by God’s grace, and by His showing me what I needed to see and know, so that I would take hold of what He’s given me (the Word, fellowship, time with Him, and more) and pull up.
Don’t stay alone. Don’t sink so far into your deep dark place. Take hold of what your King and Savior has given you, and look up.
-Anonymous Writer

Written by Olivia Mancini


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